And Now I Know
by irmak
Summary: Veronica finally understands what's really happened. The poems are from Jane Campion's In The Cut.


**Title**: And Now I Know  
**Author**: irmak   
**Pairing/Character**: Logan/Veronica, Duncan/Veronica, Lilly  
**Word Count**:1970  
**Rating**: PG - 13  
**Summary**: AU. It's years later and Veronica dreams about Lilly.  
**Spoilers/Warnings**: Season 1 -only if you don't know who's Lilly's murderer-  
**Author's Notes**: I love Jane Campion, and her beautifully cinematographed movie, In The Cut. I fell in love with all the phrases and lines that's been used, so this fic is created in their lights, and dedicated to the poets.

_  
And I awoke, and found me here  
On the cold hill side.  
And this is why I sojourn here  
Alone and palely loitering  
John Keats_

  
It's all white before Lilly appears. How much I've missed her! I try to reach, but my hand stands still, as if I have no control over my body. She just tilts her head slightly to the right, just like I always do, and she smiles.

"Do you think it's over now?"

I can't open my mouth to respond, either. God, there are so many things I want to tell her -that I would love her no matter what, she could have told me anything. While I did judge her before, I've come to realize it's not her fault, it's everybody's, but not hers. I want to tell her all, but I cannot manage a slightest move. She continues as if she hasn't been expecting me to answer. "You never used to choose the easy way out before." Her smile dissolves a little which makes me scream on the inside, but she can't hear that. "I thought I knew better."

I feel like my heart is broken into pieces once again. And here I was thinking her death was the utter most pain. I was wrong.

She looks at me and understands. Suddenly, her face is somewhat relieved.

"You get it, don't you? You've always known." And suddenly Lilly turns into... _me_. It's like looking into a mirror, but it's my reflection talking instead of me.

"I've always known."

And then I wake up into the darkness, only to see Duncan lying near me on the bed, his slow breaths causing the sheets to rise and fall so faintly.

I've always known.

---__

Midway along the journey of our life.  
I woke to find myself in a dark wood,  
For I had wandered off from the straight path.  
Dante

  
It's not easy not to know what to do when you hear glass shattering in the very next room. When you hear the screams of an almost mad man. Your hands tremble terribly that you almost drop the piece of paper which's the only thing you hold on to before breaking down. Your head is heavier than the rest of your body and your vision gets blurry. 

_I have to be strong. It's not the right time to pass out._

Human mind is so amazing. The things you choose to ignore, like remembering the exact time you saw your then-ex-boyfriend-now-husband leaving the school to head home on the day that his sister was murdered, like the obsession that forced you to follow him more than half of the way, then turning back because you were convinced that he was going straight home and not to some skank's house... You don't forget, you just block things. You keep them disguised, and they're waiting for an catalyst to make them come upon.

_Like ignoring the letter that Logan sent to me before my wedding._

"I'll always love you Veronica. I can stand in front of you, telling that this is the biggest mistake of your life; I can beg you to reconsider and maybe cry in desperation; I can use my money to kidnap you, or even better, to murder Duncan, just to stop this unholy alliance. But I know you. You're so naive that you think you have to keep every promise you gave. The world isn't like this, Veronica, and what kills me is that you don't let me be there when your world starts falling apart the minute you understand this. I'm afraid that I'll be too far away to catch. I know what you're thinking right now: 'I'm stronger than you can imagine, Logan.' See? Isn't this the biggest proof that I know you? And now you're thinking for the last time Duncan surprised you like this. And you can't remember. Because he doesn't know you Veronica. He's still in love with pre-_everything _Veronica, and you just close your eyes and pretend not to see anything that will break your house of glass. I cracked it the day I told you that I didn't believe that my father killed Lilly. You yelled, you cursed, you wished I drop dead right in front of your eyes. And suddenly I knew that _you knew_, too. So I backed off, Ronnie. Not because you hurt my feelings, because my love can heal those cuts in a sec, but because you _chose_ not to see. I can't take that Veronica. I can't stand the fact that the girl I love isn't the same girl anymore. And now you say, 'It's called growing up, Logan.' No, Veronica, you didn't grow up. You grew indifferent."

---

_Come at last to this point  
I look back on my passion  
And realize that I  
Have been like a blind man  
Who is unafraid of the dark   
Yosana Akiko_

The house is silent now. Is it because he's calm or because there's nothing left to break, I wonder. I have to face him. The funny thing, I'm not afraid even though I should be. I mean, I can still kid myself by saying that he wouldn't hurt me, but I said almost the same thing over and over when Lilly died. And I believed the lies I've told. Time likes to prove me wrong in a very twisted way.

I hear footsteps right outside my bedroom door. It's not locked. He can come in if he wants to, but he stops.

"Veronica?" He calls out, but I don't think he expects me to go out.

"I'm here." I know that it doesn't make sense, but I feel like I have to say something.

"Oh... Okay." I guess he didn't expect me to answer, either. "What's gonna happen now?"

It's such a calm conversation that my blood freezes in my veins. Is he gathering strength to attack me? Is he going force me to stay, maybe by threatening to kill the ones I love? Dad, Wallace... _Logan_? 

We never talk about him. But I'm sure Duncan's aware that if someone can hurt you this much, you're not over him yet. He had hurt me in a way that I was least expecting, and now I know that he was right all along. I don't feel any regrets, though. I feel like, I should have gone through this, that this was my destiny. My price to pay. Doesn't make much sense, does it?

"I..." I have to choose the right words. It's so fucking crazy that _this is_ the guy I've been sleeping with in the same bed every night for the last 3 years now. "We... We have to call the cops, Duncan."

He doesn't speak for a moment. I hold my breath. We fucked last tuesday. We watched TV last night. Finally, he speaks. "What if... I... I say that... I can't do that?"

So, this is how your life flashes before your eyes. I see mom and dad at my eleventh birthday. We were so happy. I see Lilly and the first time we talked. I see Logan checking me out at the soccer game, it was the first time I've ever seen him. I see Lilly, Logan and I, laughing. I see Wallace smiling. I see dad saving me from the fire. I see Logan; kissing him, touching him, loving him. This can't be how it ends.

"Veronica?" This time his voice is a bit strangled.

"Duncan... We have to."

I can hear his intake of breath. "I didn't... I'd never... Veronica, I saw them. He hit her! She fell and hit her head and there was blood all over. He... he ran away. Like a little bitch, he ran away. I was so terrified, Veronica, it was like, like, somebody just ripped my heart out and jumped up and down all over it. The pain..." He stops for a moment. "Then I saw her getting up. Oh, the sweet relief! I, I ran to her. I told her that we should go to the police and, and... You know what she did? She _laughed_. She said no. She said that she has never been more turned on, ever. She... she laughed, Veronica. My... my pain, it... It meant nothing."

It was just so fucking easy. This was supposed to be, _complex_. Her death had to be in the hands of a monster. I can see the whole scene now. I'm sure she said that just to get him off her back. I can see her on the verge of a break down but never giving it away. I can even imagine her forced laugh. "Oh, Donut, get over it! He's my lov-ah! He gets to be pretty privileged, if you know what I mean."

"I don't remember anything else, Veronica, I swear! I swear!"

Now I open the door, he has to see me to know exactly how I feel. "It doesn't matter, Duncan. I can understand that you never intended to kill her..." I stop just to take a breath. "But you murdered her by not confessing. You murdered the rest of us. Yes, maybe she never understood your pain, but now, can you see mine?"

He looks me in the eye. I know he sees something in there, but I see nothing. He's blank as ever. And this is the first time that I get what this means.

"I'll pay for what I did, Veronica. I... I'm sorry... Just... Leave now. Please. If I don't, you can make me pay. I don't know if this means anything, but, I swear..." I see no hesitation in his words. "I'll pay." I have no reason to believe but I do.

I slowly pass him and move across the hallway, towards the door. He mutters something, but I don't listen to. My fingers clench around Logan's letter.

As I walk to my car, I hear a single gun shot. I don't look back, I don't even flinch. I get in the car and drive away.

---

_The still waters of the water under a frond of stars  
The still water of your mouth under a thicket of kisses.  
Federico Garcia Lorca_

  
I feel the breeze caressing my skin. So soft and careful, like the touch of a rose petal. His touch is almost as soft, but it's also burning. When his fingertips touch my neck, I feel the heat rising from the very spot, going around in circles, increasing and increasing, until it explodes. And this is only his touch. It's only the beginning. I look at him to see his beautiful face. I touch his forehead, cheek, nose, chin and finally his beautifully curved lips. He shivers. And it's only my touch. Our hands find each other and it's not only our fingers clasping, it's our souls, and now we are one.

"We're meant to be." His voice is so low that it's almost a whisper. And here I was thinking I couldn't fall for him even more.

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Veronica..." My lips are looking for the ones they belong to.

We kiss, we unite, it's all colliding stars and fireworks now.

---


End file.
